It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog post. There’s a reason for that. I guess it’s partly a lack of motivation but right now I’m putting more effort into writing my book, making videos and writing nice things for my Instagram posts (sarahnityxo if you are interested). I have discovered my love for writing poetry. I like how disordered it can be. It doesn’t need to rhyme and it doesn’t need to make perfect sense. I like how I can put my feelings into a few lines and somehow it just works. I also like taking photos for it and editing them.
I’ve come to some realisations recently and I want to share them.
I’m not that much of a great writer. I enjoy it but I have a lot to learn and so I am.
Struggle is there for a reason. To help us grow.
Meditation can be done (almost) anywhere, like on a train.
There is a little path down to the lake that I have wanted to go towards for years and it is wonderful down there.
I have to nuture my spiritual side in order for me to feel fulfilled in life.
London still continues to delight and excite me. Camden Town is amazing.
Making new friends and connecting with people you just click with is more important than focusing on those you don’t.
Positive feelings can be almost as overwhelming as negative ones.
I won’t be able to exercise unless I actually do! It’s literally one of the biggest challenges to get myself to do any!
Working is more enjoyable when I focus on other parts of it such as connecting with people.
It took me a while for me to understand the law of attraction because really I needed to feel it to believe it. Basically, it’s a way to manifest your desires and what you truly want out of life.
It’s about taking limiting negative beliefs away, thinking about what you do want and taking the necessary steps to get there.
Thoughts become feelings and feelings become things. You won’t get what you want if:
You don’t love yourself
You make up excuses
You constantly put yourself down
You don’t live in abundance
You think you are lacking
I wanted more out of life. I was pretty unhappy. Not long after, I had watched some videos on the law of attraction and manifesting dreams because I wanted to do that. Manifest my dreams. Amazing things started to happen. My heart felt full and my mind experienced clarity for the first time in my entire life. That feeling hasn’t stopped. My life begun to have purpose because I was giving it purpose.
I am opening up to my spiritual side. The side had locked away. I am allowing myself to feel everything. I am allowing myself to feel happy.
A while ago I said that I was writing a book. I was lost at first but I have now found my way. I hope to have it done by this summer so watch this space. As always, thank you all for being here. I am so grateful to you all.
I’ve been going through some kind of transformation. You see, when you get into a dark place one of two things happen. You either continue to spiral downwards until you see no reason to live or you search for a small flicker and slowly climb towards it until it fills up your being.
I chose the latter.
Winter is a bad time for me. I get pretty low. As we draw further away from it, so does my mind. It’s metaphorical for me. It helps lift the strain that chains down my body in the cold and dark corner of my cage. I saw that light. It was a firefly and it asked me to follow it.
I gave in to my emotions. I gave in what I truly wanted, after searching for so long. Out of pain and struggle comes amazing growth. After giving into the divine, my inner voice spoke. It told me to write. To write everything that I had been holding on to. That I can write the book that I have wanted to for months. Lines of clarity and pureness spilled out from my heart, through my veins, unleashed out of my nerve endings at my fingertips and appeared delicately in front of me. Words blanketed empty spaces and I began to feel whole. A fulfilment that has called out for me like a baby crying for it’s mother.
My writing is well under way now.
Thanks for those who have stuck by me during this time. I appreciate and love you all so much. My ultimate dream is to feel abundance and fulfilment. I want that for you to in whatever way you desire. Nameste. x
One thing I am sure of is that I don’t feel like I want to live in a way that suits society. As in, get a job, get married, have kids, settle down then retire. That has never appealed to me. I don’t know if it’s some form of rebellion or if it’s something deeper but I don’t want that. I want a creative life. I have many dreams but they always seem unreachable and I am always bringing myself down after realising this. I am stuck in society’s maze and I am jealous of every single person that has found their way out.
I’ve become vegan and that has been a huge step outside already. Part of me wants to fit into that mold but most of me wants to run. I have these feelings of wanting more, as I’ve mentioned before. I want to travel and perhaps live in California, which is crazy because I’m in the UK and it would be extremely hard for me to get a visa there. I don’t want to do a conventional job. It’s mind numbing. I want to have more freedom. I want to give up my Open University course, which I have been totally slacking on for a reason I didn’t know. I just don’t want to work in science anymore. It was never a passion of mine. I just followed the path because I didn’t know what else I wanted to do when I was 16. How are you suppose to know that early on what life you want to live when you have barely lived? The UK’s school system is so faulty in that way.
Yet I can hear all of the voices of those who don’t have these feelings and those who do but continue to ignore them because they have missed their chance of living their dreams. They are telling me that I am choosing to run from responsibility and security and that I should just be grateful for all I have. That I should supress these feelings. Who am I to live the life of my dreams? Then I feel guilty and I go back to the reality around me of not really living and not being a part of anything that makes me feel alive.
The world is colourful on the outside but grey on the inside. I go to work and I smile. I visit family and I smile. I force myself to conform as there’s bills to pay and people to please. However, on the inside I am trapped and I wriggle in the uncomfortable lies that I am telling everyone.
I see no way out of this job as they are all the same and no way out of this place with unpleasant weather that makes me spend so much time indoors. Too much time thinking. The winter is the worst time of the year for me. It’s long and dark and draining. I fill my life with distractions. I go vegan and educate myself on spirituality and I take an amazing yoga class to take myself away and I tell myself that this is enough but really I am just giving myself a tiny preview of what my life could be like and it’s making the heaviness in my chest deepen.
Yesterday I found a post on walking depression. So many people feel like this. So many. I am not alone.
I have no answers. Every time I start to accept the way things are, I go back to living an ordinary life but every time I do, I take a further step back. I don’t know how long it will keep happening before I crumble. I fear that life will never be enough.
Everyone says that in order to deal with stress you need to feel it and observe it. The more you don’t want it to be there the more you think negatively and the more you worry, which only makes it worse. So in the last week when I was feel depressed I felt it, when I was feeling anxious I felt it and whatever else I was feeling I felt it. I took a step back and observed myself as if I was an onlooker. I feel like I am gaining a whole new look of life. I observe my thoughts. I see my adrenaline raise and I breathe and take a look at my thoughts. I often have anxious or negative thoughts and I see how they make me feel anxious. I feel so in touch with the way I am feeling just from observing. I can figure out why I feel the way I do so much easier. I can tell when my breathing is off way before the other anxiety symptoms would start. This realisation has only just struck me recently. Before I heard a lot of people talking about it but until you actually experience it for yourself you won’t understand it. I am going to keep watching the thinker.
On a side note, I have also been researching the law of attraction and now I understand what everyone means when they say that you manifest things when you are coming from a place of abundance and not a place of lack. I have an abundant life and so do you. How can we ever expect to live our dreams if we aren’t already grateful for what we have? We will never be happy that way. We need to be grateful for everything in our lives and for the person we are in order to see potential to grow and adapt.
Last weekend I didn’t know how to feel. I was confused about where I was and what I wanted but it’s getting clearer. I am seeing my life differently. There’s no turning back now.
I have been watching many Youtubers who talk about these things and spirituality and I have been reading a book called, ‘The Celestine Prophecy.’ My mindset is changing through these resources. I encourage you to search for these if you are struggling or even if you’re not. You will be amazed at what you can learn.
I get depressed quite a bit and it’s usually over this. There’s so much more to life than I am experiencing and I realty want to experience it. I have big dreams that feel unreachable. I want to become a yoga teacher but there’s at least ten reasons why I won’t let it happen. I want to travel the world but again there’s so many things pulling me down and preventing me from doing so – mentally and physically. I want to have so much freedom by working for myself but every idea I have seems to be so far away that I can barely imagine it.
I want it all but I don’t have enough money and have other commitments. I spend all day at work thinking about how much more there must be out there. I have spent four years in a job that has blurred into something un-memorable and boring. I’ve wasted four years of my life in this situation where I haven’t progressed in any way other than a little bit of competency. This monotonous life I’ve given myself isn’t satisfying. I want to do something amazing but every time I look on job boards all I see is routine, less pay and less freedom. I want to take risks and be spontaneous and jump right in but instead I am holding myself back and I’m not sure why. I somehow can’t commit to one thing. I started a degree but I am having a break because it doesn’t fit in with how I really want to spend my life. I want to create a life that I love with lots of experiences. I don’t want to live like everyone else but I feel almost forced to.
I know I can expand internally and grow spiritually with what I already have but its not enough. Then I feel selfish and ungrateful. I should be happy with my life as there are people far worse off than me with no choices and no money and no freedom whatsoever and that thought alone sinks me lower because I am selfish and ungrateful and I don’t want to be that person.
I want to experience the beauty of the whole world all of the time.
Im stuck and I see no hope in the near future. One of my biggest fears is not living the life I truly want. I will somehow drag myself out of this hole of unacceptance but right now I need to wallow some more.