journal

Acceptance + Ascension // Journal Entry #2

I’m sat on my sofa with the curtains drawn on a Friday morning and I’ve just started my three day weekend. I have Netflix on the TV as I didn’t want to turn it off whilst writing and it’s distracting but I don’t really care. I just knocked my glass off the stool for the second time this week. It was funnier the first time but I still don’t mind. These past few days have been different. I’ve felt this air around me for the first time in a while and I’m really fucking happy.

It’s 10.51 am and I haven’t showered and I’m no where near ready to leave my house. I just opened the door for my dog and breathed in the most satisfying air. I was met with a grey sky against a dark green field and it was beautiful. I always thought that I wanted the sky to be blue and the sun to be out always because I felt happier and more energetic that way. It’s as if, in my mind, I had decided that I couldn’t be happy unless the weather was ‘perfect,’ but what the fuck is perfect. I never realised that it was my mind that has been feeding me this depressed fucked up shit this entire time. I’ve only just understood why people swear. Sometimes there are no other words that convey strong feelings. As I was saying, I have been trapped in a depressed mindset for far too long.

I went on holiday hoping that it would make every thing okay again. A couple of days later, I found myself miserable crying to my partner, on a bench in Jersey, about how it’s not okay that I still feel this way. I don’t even know where this came from but I now believe it was from years of stress, or what I like to call my entire life. Okay that’s not completely true, but it’s effective and reveals the contrast between then and now. After a long period of stress, depression often results. I was waking up every day and checking to see if I was still depressed. Now I wake up every day wondering what good the day has in store for me. The difference is indescribable. If you are depressed, give it a try. It’s a little tip from a course I’ve been doing.

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Right, back to the holiday. A day later I spent some time on Plemont Beach reading the letting go chapter from the book, ‘The Untethered Soul.’ It’s a wonderful book. After the time I spent in nature with Carl, the walking we did, reading that chapter and being in the present, things started looking up. Exercise is something I want to keep up, but for now I have decided to take up yoga at home, and not just at my weekly class and I am already seeing benefits. I spend a lot of time in nature anyway but I’d love to spend more time with Carl so I’m making the most of the time we do have together. The biggest challenge for me on holiday, was also the thing that kicked me up the butt towards a different mindset. I used the law of attraction for the first time and it revealed something amazing to me. After the challenge was presented and I saw what it meant, I wrote a few pages on this for my book so I’m not going to ruin that by posting it here. I will say that I am amazed that it actually works. I had some doubts but I decided to fully act on it and the outcome was life changing. Really embracing the way I feel is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

After a truly beautiful holiday, I had to return home. My emotions were being tipped over the edge by raging hormones but I probably would have still felt the same. Being a highly sensitive person, I find transition more of a challenge than others. I sat on the sofa all day, crying that my life was not a holiday. Wow does that sound like I’m selfish and ungrateful but I’m writing you my true feelings. I have nothing to hide. I had the holiday blues, post holiday depression or whatever you want to call it. A couple of days later I went to yoga and left feeling a lot more free. You see, freedom is what I craved. I wanted to be free to experience more amazing things and I thought that I had to be travelling to do this. All I really needed to free was my fear. If you are comfortable with the outcome, fear cannot touch you. We are tiny beings on a small planet spinning around a ball of explosions, in a vast universe and we are afraid of being afraid.

I came home expecting things to be different right away but they weren’t. A small part of me feared going home to that same life. I felt as though I was just going back to where I was. However, I realised that I am never going backwards. Growth is my reason for living, my purpose. Surely, growth is the reason we all live. What else can we do but live and grow?

One of my thoughts that my depressed mind created to torment me was that life was not worth living because of suffering. I Googled the hell out of it but everything I saw confirmed it. I was suffering so there was no point. There was just so much crap whizzing through my head that I truly believed. Now I’m out from that place, I can see clearly that my negativity was creating more negativity. Depression actually lets you believe things that are not true. It swallows everything that is good and punches you internally until you are ready to grow from it. It was trying to tell me something. My life was how I perceived it and it didn’t need to be this way. It could be different if I just accepted it. I stopped believing that I didn’t want to exist anymore and I am now living because what else am I meant to do with this life? Life is for living.

I am still here on my sofa reflecting over the past few days. I have really enjoyed the conversations I’ve had. Opening up to people isn’t easy when you are closed off but once I opened up my heart to everything I stop feeling that discomfort. I am still a little fearful because I know I won’t always feel this good in every moment but I’ve learned to accept that fear and to accept that discomfort, as it can only do me good. From here, I can only ascend.

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journal · Lifestyle

Living In This Crazy, Crazy World // My Journal #1

I have been having a lot of random thoughts and I find it hard to bring them all together but here I am trying.

Society is the collective of those are living and those who lived before us, setting out guidelines and setting out standards of how we should live or however you see it. It can be a gift, a disaster or, for most of us, somewhere in between.

When I logged onto my computer this morning, I saw hate and negativity everywhere. I couldn’t even twist a tiny bit of it into something positive. It made me think a lot about how society works and how we are so influenced. How where we live, where we are from, our gender, sex, income, beliefs and opinions separate us all, but our building blocks, humanity and how we are all part of this crazy, crazy world make us all the same

Opinions are what drives our differences. An opinion that associates a particular group of people with negativity, only drives more negativity. It also drives more opposition. Hate literally breeds hate – it’s positive feedback in anthropogenic form. I can see how it happens, clearly, and that’s what worries me the most. How do I even come to terms with reality when it literally is creating a storm? I am having a hard time accepting it.

I searched for hope, for others with the opinions of mine and felt saved when I found many. It’s so understandable why people turn to hate. Fear is at the base of it all. Ultimately all of these negative bases drive more negativity, more division and more hatred. I am blessed to be living this life that I have. Although, I am exposed to the Internet, where I see a lot of negativity, I can make this connection and I can see that I live a life full of privilege. I can chose to be positive as it is a choice. I can switch off my computer, go outside and feel the air on my face, the sun through my eyes and the sounds of the birds. I can do what makes me feel alive. I can inspire others to see the light and to not feed the hate. That’s all and it’s not enough, but maybe it is for today.

I’ve never felt like a part of society and wanted to run away from it, but I have realised that we are all part of it. Every single person on this planet plays their part in it. So I can’t blame it for anything. However, I’d like to remain on the edge of it, with my far ‘leftist’ views. I hate that word. What’s worse is that I deeply believe that everyone has the right to their own opinion, even if I despise it. It physically taunts me to hear the opinions of other people who think the complete opposite to me, even though I understand that everyone is different and it wouldn’t work if we were all the same and so on. Blah blah blah. Seeing both sides makes it harder.

To save my self from a mental breakdown, I am going to completely switch off from other people’s opinions today, do some yoga, breathe in some fresh air and be present in myself. I’m so sensitive that I need some time to process as writing can only do so much for me right now.

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S/N: Have you ever experienced this? When something awful happens and you are just sat by yourself and everything is so peaceful because it’s over and it’s just you and nothing can change that.

Lifestyle

Saturday morning, 08:00


It’s 8am and it feels like I’ve had one of those bad nights sleep where you just can’t wait for it to be morning so you can get up and get on. I first woke up at 5am as the electric blanket had been left on all night. I love how comforting it is when I first get in bed but after I’ve slept for a bit, it just gets uncomfortable. I then woke up again at 7am and knew I wasn’t going to get any more sleep. It’s not exactly blue skies outside but the light shone right through our blue curtains and I struggle to sleep when it’s light. I often think that I’d sleep better with blackout ones but I shrug that off because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to wake up to a dark room. I noticed my wrist aching so I probably had slept on it all night. It probably will be a pain all day.

I picked up my phone from underneath my pillow and sat up a little. I went straight to Instagram as it’s my favourite app right now. I scrolled through and somehow ended up on someones blog. It was a pretty cool site. I often think that my blog is not very together.  It’s messy and unprofessional. I constantly compare it to others. However, it literally is just a place for me to come and express myself, in any way that I want to at that moment in time.  I don’t set rules or boundaries – as long as it’s not something too private or someone else is involved it’s fine by me. I just let myself become immersed in what’s going on and it just seems to flow out of me as easy as breathing is. There’s no long pauses to think about what to write next or how to write. It’s my favourite way of communicating and it’s the best way of figuring out some kind of structure and direction to what is actually going on up there. I firstly do it for me and secondly for the reader. All of the creative things I do, I do for me first. I think it should always be that way.

My alarm officially went off at 8am and I turned it off, gave my sleepy partner a cuddle, crawled down to the end of the bed and climbed out. I opened the door, asked Jasper if he wanted to come and entered the living room and then the kitchen. I grabbed a tall glass, poured some juice and ran the cold tap. I’m feeling particularly dehydrated this morning. I honestly only drank two of these glasses yesterday. I took it and sat down at my computer. Our desks are both in the living room. We spend more waking time at them than anywhere else in the house, even the sofa. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to it but the light doesn’t seem to be as bright in here. As I look through the dark-brown framed window I was see grey clouds and damp green bushes. It’s so peaceful this morning. I can hear the birds outside and the odd car going by. I look down to my Apple keyboard laid down on a shaded bamboo surface and it comforts me. I wake up my iMac and open up WordPress.

I’m feeling slightly sick this morning. I’ve had a cold for a week now and I often get some mild nausea with it. My stomach often produces too much acid anyway but I think it’s the phlegm in my stomach causing this. I don’t really mind it too much but it interferes with how much I drink and I just don’t enjoy eating. I hope it clears up later because I am going to a vegan festival in Nottingham this morning and I want to eat things. That is after a quick stop off at McDonald’s en route so my partner can load up his laptop and do some urgent business. I admit that it isn’t the ideal place for a vegan to be. McDonald’s did pretty much introduce the western world to factory farms but it just happens to be an ideal location and my partner is a meat eater who enjoys their breakfasts. I’ll probably munch on a couple of hash browns and go through my Instagram feed whilst I wait.

My sister just happens to be going to Nottingham for the weekend with her boyfriend. I doubt I’ll see them though. We will probably go into the city centre after the festival. Nottingham is one of my favourite concrete places in the UK. If we are talking country then it’s a totally different list. I’ve been going there since I was young – shopping with my Nan or loitering with friends. I have good memories there. When I was 14 and went to see Cradle of Filth at Rock City, my friend, her friend and I went there to buy clothes because you couldn’t buy goth clothes in Grantham. We got a child return on the train for under £3. That was my first proper gig, not including pop bands from when I was >10.

At this point in time I am sat in the passenger seat of the car. Still feeling sick and achy. The window wipers are in use and we are about to drive off. There’s no point to this post for you. There’s no message that you are reading until the end for. It just is what it is.

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You Are Never Alone // Self Love

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When you begin a healing journey, it’s generally because you are in some kind of mental discomfort. You don’t accept yourself or you don’t like who you are or you have many issues that you want gone.

I never expected it to feel like this.

I am never alone because I will always have myself. I am always here. 

When I am triggered by something I link it back to when I last felt it and other occasions pop up. I work through them and try to figure out why I felt like that. Ultimately, I comfort myself in the way I’d want someone else to back then. However, it’s myself so it’s more meaningful and more important that it is me doing the comforting. By doing this I am healing my inner child. I am accepting the feelings back then so when I am triggered again the negative feelings don’t come back. The feelings that I have accepted myself do.

Let me give you an example (not a personal experience).

You are watching a movie. You see someone slap someone else and it triggers a negative feeling in you. Whatever this feeling may be, it links back to a feeling you had a few weeks ago when you felt like slapping someone and you thought about how good it would feel but you know it’s wrong. Then you link it back several times until you think of your earliest memory of that feeling. Perhaps you hit someone. Perhaps it was an animal. You released your frustration out and expressed it in this violent way. Maybe you are feeling bad about it because it made you feel powerful and it shouldn’t have done. Maybe your mother had a go at you and it just made you even more mad. Maybe you had suppressed some emotions and it had exploded out of you in that way. Now look back and feel that emotion. Journal about it. Talk to someone about it. Meditate on it. Go back to that situation and accept that emotion. Accept that you were feeling that way because of whatever reason you were feeling like that. Go up to yourself and talk about it. Do whatever you need to be OK with it.  Move forward.

You are never alone because you will always have yourself. 

Mind

Do What You Want // Live Life On Your Terms

I’ve always felt like I’ve never wanted to live the life that everyone else seems to live and why should I? I’m me and they are them. Growing up, everyone seemed to have the same lives. They all lived with brothers and sisters, in three bedrooms houses, with two parents and a rabbit. They would go to school, eat chocolate spread sandwiches for lunch, play in the streets after school and go home and repeat. They would grow up, make lots of friends, go out with lots of people, spend Friday evenings drinking in the park. Then they would go to college, get a job, soon get married and have children. Then someone would press repeat and life would just continue the same for their children.

I’ve never wanted that life. I’ve never felt like I fitted in to that life. The simple life that these people chose to live was not what I dreamed of. I’ve always wanted more. I’ve always wanted meaning and purpose and not to live in a cycle that never progresses.

The cycle will end with me. I might never have children because I don’t want that life. It’s not a selfish decision to not want them. To have no desire to bring life into this world is as normal a feeling as feeling sad or happy to me.

I don’t know what any of this means but I only question it to find a purpose. My purpose. I’ve made a lot of changes to my life this year and it’s all for the better. All to better myself, those around me, the Earth and the animals that we share it with.

Do what you want. Be free.

For anyone that may be interested I have been wanting to write this post for about three weeks but I didn’t know how to without putting anger into it. I was listening to these two songs today which gave me inspiration:

Hanging On by Active Child

Weightless by Marconi Union