Tag Archives: depression

My Story: From Fear To Freedom


For as long as I remember I have allowed fear to control my life. A few years ago I wouldn’t even leave the safety of the house unless I had to. I wouldn’t interact with people unless I had to or unless I trusted them. I couldn’t walk down the street without having to turn back after 200 yards, feeling like the air was pinching my skin and the ground was going to pull me over. Going to public places alone was too intense and exhausting. I would cry and cry and wonder why my life was so hard. I was paralysed by my own self worth. I hated being me. I had hidden my internal thoughts and feelings for so long that they had manifested into mental and physical pain. I became ill and abused myself, and for what? For not wanting to be me. But who else could I be? I didn’t want people to see who I really was. I didn’t honour my sensitivity or my feelings and needs. My intuition was bruised and I had weaved negativity deep into my veins. Somewhere along the way, I had enough and I began untangling the mess inside my head. I reached out to others and I started nurturing myself in anyway that I needed. I practiced gratitude and self care. I took up yoga and meditation. I started to eat better. I started writing poetry on my Instagram and I started a blog and I begun voicing my feelings out to the world. Then others began to hear what I had to say and by doing that I was honouring who I truly was. I discovered an amazing internal world that I was proud of and I wanted to share it. I unstrapped my inner child and embraced her. I set myself free.
Taken from my Instagram. Follow me: @sarahnityxo

Abundance And Fulfilment

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It’s been a while, I know.

I’ve been going through some kind of transformation. You see, when you get into a dark place one of two things happen. You either continue to spiral downwards until you see no reason to live or you search for a small flicker and slowly climb towards it until it fills up your being.

I chose the latter.

Winter is a bad time for me. I get pretty low. As we draw further away from it, so does my mind. It’s metaphorical for me. It helps lift the strain that chains down my body in the cold and dark corner of my cage. I saw that light. It was a firefly and it asked me to follow it.

I gave in to my emotions. I gave in what I truly wanted, after searching for so long. Out of pain and struggle comes amazing growth. After giving into the divine, my inner voice spoke. It told me to write. To write everything that I had been holding on to. That I can write the book that I have wanted to for months. Lines of clarity and pureness spilled out from my heart, through my veins, unleashed out of my nerve endings at my fingertips and appeared delicately in front of me. Words blanketed empty spaces and I began to feel whole. A fulfilment that has called out for me like a baby crying for it’s mother.

My writing is well under way now.

Thanks for those who have stuck by me during this time. I appreciate and love you all so much. My ultimate dream is to feel abundance and fulfilment. I want that for you to in whatever way you desire. Nameste. x

How To Let Go Of The Past

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Everyone’s experience of life is different but we all have things we hold onto. Here’s a few tips I have gathered and learned through my years from within and from others. Yeah I learned a lot in therapy. Yeah I like sharing stuff and helping others and as I have gotten a lot from other people, online and offline, I want to give something back. Anxiety and depression got really bad for me because I was too busy focusing on the past and how that will affect my future but I have been on a journey to release me of these struggles and accept who I am now.

No numbers today, I’m just going to jump right into the good stuff in order to help set yourself free!

Make a timeline

Like the ones you used to do in school. Draw a line down a blank piece of paper or open up paint on your laptop. Whatever format is up to you and you can make it fun and be creative. It doesn’t have to all be serious. Write the year you were born at one end and today at the other end. Write down all of the good things that happened to you in the top half and all the bad things at the bottom. OK you might not fit them all on there but just set yourself an allotted amount of time or just write until you’ve filled the page. As you write you will remember more and more things. There’s no point in me giving you examples as it is your life. Really think whether something had a good or a bad impact on your life. Some things might go onto the centre line.

Next, have a look at your completed timeline. Remember all the things that you have written and think about them for a while. Then have a look at how many bad things there are compared to how many good things there are. You might be surprised. Focus on your accomplishments. All the great things that you have experienced.

Speak to a councellor

This one’s obvious. If you can go to a therapist I’d recommend it a thousand times. It can be a really uplifting experience. If you decide to go, take your timeline with you! They often make links that you cannot see for yourself and help to boost your esteem.

Experience gratitude and abundance

Be thankful for what you have now. One way you can experience gratitude is by living a minimalistic life. Go backpacking in developing countries. Keep a gratitude journal. Go a week without a phone or a laptop. Volunteer to look after those in need. There are so many ways you can experience gratitude and even the simplest things are beneficial and will make you a better person. Realise what you have now would not have happened if it wasn’t for what happened in the past.

Stop being a victim

I can’t stress this one enough. If you keep blaming others for what happened, you will never be able to accept it and move on. It was out of your control. It’s happened and if you keep thinking, ‘it’s because my Mum hit me as a kid,’ or whatever it is, then you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself for the past and start living in the now. It’s not happening right now, it’s over. Stop playing the victim card.

Realise that thoughts are beliefs

Beliefs only happen because of recurring thoughts. Thoughts are not real. They do not control you – you control them. Learn to be mindful and watch your thoughts. There’s so much about mindfulness on the internet and in books that I’m not going to write anything about it here.

Self care and self love

Give yourself time to do the things you enjoy. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be like someone else. Be you, love you and look after yourself first. You can’t look after anyone else if you’re not taken care of yourself.

Today is a new day. Fill it with love and give yourself what you need to shine!

xxx

I Hate The Pill But Have To Take It // Possible Endometriosis, Depression and My Struggle

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Hi everyone! I sure hope you are all doing well because I am not. I am sat in bed at 1 pm on a Saturday afternoon because I feel like I cannot get up. I did get up to pee but came back to bed. I did get up to make a smoothie but, again, I am back in bed. I am writing this to get it off my chest and also to connect with other women who might be having issues themselves.

Oh the joys of being a woman, hey. Or just one with unbalanced hormones. I’ve been trying really hard to be OK but I’ve had enough. Completely and utterly had enough. That’s why all the decisions I am suppose to be making haven’t been made and all the things I need to do haven’t been done. Instead, I have been trying to pretend to be happy and be normal but after having a few days off work, and having no real reason to pretend, I am not getting up and I am not making decisions and I am not doing stuff.

So here’s the story, I started getting really bad periods in 2012. Maybe even earlier but then for sure. That’s when I first started a full time job. Everything changed. I moved out and started working ridiculous amounts of overtime and I wasn’t eating well at all. No fruit or vegetables – just processed sugary food and lots of dairy. I didn’t know how to look after myself. The previous year I had started taking some new medication for acid reflux and stomach issues after overusing ibuprofen – guys please don’t take it on an empty stomach. One night I was working late and I was in a room full of guys. All of a sudden I got bad cramping and could barely stand. I hobbled to the canteen and sat down and took some paracetomol. Once that had begun working I went back and just said I didn’t feel well and got on with my work. It was just cramps, right?

After that, my periods got gradually worse. My cycle was irregular. Some months it only lasted 21 days. I was low on iron, tired and fed up but I kept going. I started to get really anxious around my period. Worried about it coming; worried about the pain, the blood loss and the fatigue which made it worse. Just over a year later I was in a new job and it was getting increasingly worse until it got to the point where I couldn’t work with that pain. It was severe and the worst pain I’d ever experienced. When it was bad I just curled up in a tense ball and couldn’t move, let alone stand and walk about. I was so bloated and after the cramps went I was left drained and sore. I lost my appetite too and had many other symptoms. My bladder was affected greatly. I was back and forth to the doctors with UTIs. Only the cultures came back either clear or there was too much large particles in my urine to test it. I was fed up and feeling hopeless. The doctor put me on these tablets that are meant to reduce bleeding and clots even though I said I couldn’t take anti-inflammatory medicines. I experienced bad acid reflux after the first couple and stopped taking them. They wanted me to go on the pill but I really didn’t want to.

Yet again, the next period was worse than the previous. I went on holiday abroad for the first time in my life. My period just had to show up then. If it wasn’t for my friends, I wouldn’t have forced myself out of the hotel room. I was eating at different times, which didn’t help and I was so exhausted that I had to go back to the hotel room twice. I was upset and didn’t know why this was happening.

I looked up my symptoms online but this time I didn’t just look up the cramps. I looked up them all. Endometriosis was something I had never heard of but apparently as many as 1 in 10 women may have it. It’s an autoimmune disease and not many doctors really know about it. Basically, endometrial tissue, which lines up the uterus and breaks down during a period, grows in places it shouldn’t and breaks down in the body during a period. No one seems to know how it happens but it causes a great deal of pain, infertility and can only be diagnosed properly by surgery. The endometrial cells can be treated during surgery but it’s only a temporary fix and will most likely grow back. I looked up accounts from women who were experiencing it and indeed I appeared to be going through the same thing. OK so it’s not a diagnosis but to me that it what I have.

At my wits end, a nurse finally convinced me to give the pill a try. I told her about the daily headaches the pill gave me when I was a teenager and my Nan asked me to take it and how it made me feel dizzy and not myself. After trying a couple of different pills and then not doing me any good, I was put on Noriday, a lower dose Progestin pill. It appeared that I was sensitive to oestrogen. Many people believe that too much oestrogen causes endometriosis, as after all it is a hormone imbalance. The first period I got on that pill was on my 24th birthday. I’d just been to Cambridge the previous day and had a lovely meal out with my friends. The next morning I woke up in pain. I rushed to the toilet and my period was very light but it was there. If it was light then why was I in so much pain? But it was my birthday and I was being taken to IKEA so I got up and took some paracetamol in hope that it would improve. After a bad car journey, I prepped myself for getting out and walking around the shop, which I managed to do – slowly and slightly bent forward. Back in the car I cried. I took an uncomfortable bath and then went to bed with a hot water bottle. The next day I spent on the sofa/in bed with a hot water bottle.

The pill wasn’t working, I thought but was told to give it three months. I dreaded the next month to see what hell it was going to bring. It was like I was being tested and no one else seemed to be struggling. I had a few days off work and my boss was sympathetic. One time, I rang in and said I would come in if I could do something sat down all day. Being at work feeling like that was really tough. I was inside this bubble of pain and the people around me were hazy.

Finally my period the next month was so easy to handle. My bladder issues eventually got better – never fully went away but it was an improvement and my anxiety diminished. I had my life back. Or so I thought. After the initial relief, I begun to have other issues. The pill was to blame, of course. I was constantly in a low mood. Some days I had no motivation to do anything and I felt tearful a lot. I didn’t want to be around people and I was getting behind with my Open University work. But the pill was the only relief I had from the hell so I kept taking it. I had no choice.

That was the beginning of last year. I had researched alternatives before and read that a vegan diet might help. I really didn’t think I would have much to eat and blew off the idea. Later in the year, I saw some films and did some research into veganism – I was already a vegetarian and so in February this year I became vegan for ethical reasons. I was feeling good about my decision but I was still so focused on everything bad in my life and in the world. I still hated being on the pill. I wanted off really bad. I read a book called Sweetening the Pill: or How We Got Hooked on Hormonal Birth Control and it just made me more mad. Putting fake hormones into my body was something I never wanted to do as it just felt wrong. Why go against nature? I thought the pill was a great thing as it gave women the ability to take control over her fertility but I was wrong. There are so many long term affects of the pill too and I was concerned.

After eating a vegan diet for a few months, I wondered if I should stop taking the pill and see how things go. What did I have to lose? I felt really good about my decision but I was a little anxious about how I might feel and how my period might be. The anxiety got worse but my mood was lifted. I felt myself again and what I can only describe as brain fog had disappeared. I hadn’t even realised I had it. Everything was clearer, brighter and better. I got up in the morning and had clarity and I didn’t have to encourage myself to get on with life because the alternative was to give up. I spent time in work with a clear head and not one that often made me want to lie down on the floor and cry. OK some things were a little tricky. I had a couple of mood swings, in private of course, and some headaches and some shaking – which I put down to the rise in oestrogen my body was experiencing. My body is so sensitive to change. My period came and I had some mild cramping. It really wasn’t bad. I was relieved but still concerned. The next one came. I was sat at my computer, luckily off work, and I got some pain so had to stop what I was doing and wait for it to pass. It didn’t pass and suddenly got worse. I grabbed some paracetamol and curled up on the sofa. It hurt so bad that I couldn’t move and I couldn’t cry. I just sat there until I plucked up some courage to put the TV on so I could try to focus on something else. The next few days I experienced all the symptoms I had before. Even my bladder was acting out. Great. Once I realised that I had to go back on the pill because there was no way I could take 3/4 days off work a month and go through this again I was gutted. I was so tired and it took me days to get my appetite back. Luckily the next period was pretty much back to normal apart from some bladder discomfort. 

Days later my mood shifted. I was back to being down and now I feel worse as I feel completely helpless. Everything bad is getting me down again and I am going to see my therapist next week after not seeing her for a year and a half. I went to Lincoln yesterday but felt like I was in a dream world. How can I possibly choose between the two? Do I stay miserable for the rest of my life or do I suffer with severe pain and misery for a few days per month. I don’t feel that going to the doctors will help. I’m looking into alternative therapies, naturopathy, diet and fitness as many say these things can help and may even cure it. I don’t feel very hopeful. I am going to try cutting gluten out of my diet as that is meant to have helped many people. However, I don’t know if I have the guts to go through all of this again just to be crushed. Taking the pill is NOT the easy way out. At least not for me.

So here I am in bed. I’m back at work in 4 days so I need to start to pick myself back up for then but not today. I am going to continue watching Friends and not thinking about how bad I feel right now. Please leave comments – I will answer them all. Thanks for reading.

Update: I am still going to try cutting out gluten and upping my exercise. In a few months I am going to try coming off the pill again. I still have a lot of research to do but I am feeling more hopeful right now.

Update: After cutting out gluten and only eating it on occasion, my period pain has vanished. I am so happy. I have a feeling that the really bad pain I got when I came off the pill was due to actually coming off the pill as it was different to the pain I felt before I went on it. It was located in a different place. Changing my diet was all that was needed for it to heal and I’m so glad I found a natural way of healing.