For as long as I remember I have allowed fear to control my life. A few years ago I wouldn’t even leave the safety of the house unless I had to. I wouldn’t interact with people unless I had to or unless I trusted them. I couldn’t walk down the street without having to turn back after 200 yards, feeling like the air was pinching my skin and the ground was going to pull me over. Going to public places alone was too intense and exhausting. I would cry and cry and wonder why my life was so hard. I was paralysed by my own self worth. I hated being me. I had hidden my internal thoughts and feelings for so long that they had manifested into mental and physical pain. I became ill and abused myself, and for what? For not wanting to be me. But who else could I be? I didn’t want people to see who I really was. I didn’t honour my sensitivity or my feelings and needs. My intuition was bruised and I had weaved negativity deep into my veins. Somewhere along the way, I had enough and I began untangling the mess inside my head. I reached out to others and I started nurturing myself in anyway that I needed. I practiced gratitude and self care. I took up yoga and meditation. I started to eat better. I started writing poetry on my Instagram and I started a blog and I begun voicing my feelings out to the world. Then others began to hear what I had to say and by doing that I was honouring who I truly was. I discovered an amazing internal world that I was proud of and I wanted to share it. I unstrapped my inner child and embraced her. I set myself free.
Taken from my Instagram. Follow me: @sarahnityxo
On this random picture of my sweet dog, I would like to talk about emotional bias and empathy. I’ve been reading up on it and it’s interesting and something I want to share. It explains why many people are veggies/vegans and so many more are not. Many people stop eating meat because of empathy. When I think of young pigs being gassed to death I feel as if I were in their shoes. I’d be suffocating and terrified. Even though I did eat a little meat through my teenage years, I didn’t eat a lot and I certainly didn’t eat any pigs or cows. I could empathise with them greatly. However, when I thought about eggs being laid or cows being milked, I didn’t feel as if it was a bad thing so I didn’t feel empathetic. When I found out, from vegan activists, that almost one in two baby chicks were being killed at a day old as they weren’t needed and that dairy cows only lived a quarter of their lives before being killed for meat, and that their babies either had the same fate as them or they were killed for veal, I was able to see how that it wasn’t enough for me to just not eat meat. I was still paying into the industries that kill. If someone can’t empathise with animals being killed in the first place, then they might not consider that it is morally wrong to eat them. In my eyes, it has nothing to do with whose life is more important (a humans or an animals) but whether one can SUFFER.
Which takes me on to my next point about emotional bias. As humans we are emotionally biased to our own kind. If animals could talk they would tell us that their own kind was the best. There are so many things that makes humans better than animals and vice versa. Just because we appear more intelligent and have the ability for moral reasoning doesn’t make us better than them. In fact, we could argue that humans have done more bad to the planet than good. But of course we would always take a humans side over an animals because we have an emotional bias. We feel a lot more empathy for a human than an animal because we are one. Humans have also been well known to have an emotional bias of people of the same race to them. Black people were slaves once because white people thought that they were better than them, which is truly shocking to many. Vegans and vegetarians don’t hold this strong emotional bias of other species as meat eaters do.
Now look at this picture of my dog. If anyone took him and killed him I’d be beyond devastated because I am emotionally attached to him. Just because I’m not attached to every other animal being killed, raised for meat or not (really doesn’t matter to me), it doesn’t mean I want them to suffer. I don’t hate people who eat meat. I think they just lack empathy for animals and have a stronger emotional bias towards humans than me.
Taken from my Instagram. Follow me: @sarahnityxo
It’s 8am and it feels like I’ve had one of those bad nights sleep where you just can’t wait for it to be morning so you can get up and get on. I first woke up at 5am as the electric blanket had been left on all night. I love how comforting it is when I first get in bed but after I’ve slept for a bit, it just gets uncomfortable. I then woke up again at 7am and knew I wasn’t going to get any more sleep. It’s not exactly blue skies outside but the light shone right through our blue curtains and I struggle to sleep when it’s light. I often think that I’d sleep better with blackout ones but I shrug that off because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to wake up to a dark room. I noticed my wrist aching so I probably had slept on it all night. It probably will be a pain all day.
I picked up my phone from underneath my pillow and sat up a little. I went straight to Instagram as it’s my favourite app right now. I scrolled through and somehow ended up on someones blog. It was a pretty cool site. I often think that my blog is not very together. It’s messy and unprofessional. I constantly compare it to others. However, it literally is just a place for me to come and express myself, in any way that I want to at that moment in time. I don’t set rules or boundaries – as long as it’s not something too private or someone else is involved it’s fine by me. I just let myself become immersed in what’s going on and it just seems to flow out of me as easy as breathing is. There’s no long pauses to think about what to write next or how to write. It’s my favourite way of communicating and it’s the best way of figuring out some kind of structure and direction to what is actually going on up there. I firstly do it for me and secondly for the reader. All of the creative things I do, I do for me first. I think it should always be that way.
My alarm officially went off at 8am and I turned it off, gave my sleepy partner a cuddle, crawled down to the end of the bed and climbed out. I opened the door, asked Jasper if he wanted to come and entered the living room and then the kitchen. I grabbed a tall glass, poured some juice and ran the cold tap. I’m feeling particularly dehydrated this morning. I honestly only drank two of these glasses yesterday. I took it and sat down at my computer. Our desks are both in the living room. We spend more waking time at them than anywhere else in the house, even the sofa. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to it but the light doesn’t seem to be as bright in here. As I look through the dark-brown framed window I was see grey clouds and damp green bushes. It’s so peaceful this morning. I can hear the birds outside and the odd car going by. I look down to my Apple keyboard laid down on a shaded bamboo surface and it comforts me. I wake up my iMac and open up WordPress.
I’m feeling slightly sick this morning. I’ve had a cold for a week now and I often get some mild nausea with it. My stomach often produces too much acid anyway but I think it’s the phlegm in my stomach causing this. I don’t really mind it too much but it interferes with how much I drink and I just don’t enjoy eating. I hope it clears up later because I am going to a vegan festival in Nottingham this morning and I want to eat things. That is after a quick stop off at McDonald’s en route so my partner can load up his laptop and do some urgent business. I admit that it isn’t the ideal place for a vegan to be. McDonald’s did pretty much introduce the western world to factory farms but it just happens to be an ideal location and my partner is a meat eater who enjoys their breakfasts. I’ll probably munch on a couple of hash browns and go through my Instagram feed whilst I wait.
My sister just happens to be going to Nottingham for the weekend with her boyfriend. I doubt I’ll see them though. We will probably go into the city centre after the festival. Nottingham is one of my favourite concrete places in the UK. If we are talking country then it’s a totally different list. I’ve been going there since I was young – shopping with my Nan or loitering with friends. I have good memories there. When I was 14 and went to see Cradle of Filth at Rock City, my friend, her friend and I went there to buy clothes because you couldn’t buy goth clothes in Grantham. We got a child return on the train for under £3. That was my first proper gig, not including pop bands from when I was >10.
At this point in time I am sat in the passenger seat of the car. Still feeling sick and achy. The window wipers are in use and we are about to drive off. There’s no point to this post for you. There’s no message that you are reading until the end for. It just is what it is.
How come it’s so easy for us humans to see our differences? More so than it is to see our similarities. We are all made from the same material and the same way, literally from star dust. We are the universe as much as everything else is. Why can’t you see it? The vastness beyond the surface. The deep layers of who we really are. We have this amazing ability to see beyond the reality we are taught. We are told to perceive it a certain way. We are told it is wrong to show sympathy for certain people. We are told it is wrong to be a certain way and so we punish ourselves internally. The only way you can know what is really right is by looking within because everything we have and need is inside ourselves. Stop listening to other people and start listen to yourself fully. Once you do this, your reality starts to change in amazing ways. I really wish this would have been drilled into us as kids and not the bs that only benefits society ☮️.
Here’s some things that have happened to me. Not necessarily experienced by all.
1. You get to learn how to say no because of the times where you’ve had to decide between you looking polite or cows suffering. It makes it easier for you to say no by putting yourself first also.
2. The excitement of finding new items in the Free From supermarket ranges. Tesco’s Blackcurrant cheesecake anyone?
3. The excitement of finding another vegan! Making new friends that are also vegan is wonderful.
4. When your Mum gets out her blood pressure monitor and she offers to take your blood pressure for fun and you find out that you have perfect results. (Just me…?)
5. When you see through the fear mongering articles trying to get people to drink cows milk. The milk industry is getting scared, bless. It means people are seeing it for what it really is.
6. You become more aware of what’s in your food as you’re reading all the labels. E171, what’s that? *Googles* –> Titanium Dioxide A Carcinogen. What?! I’m not eating that.
7. You may grow to let spiders just be. They don’t creep me out as much anymore! I can even grab some tissue and let them climb on to be moved (small ones only – I’m working my way up).
There’s more but that’s all I could think of in a short space of time. Do you have anything to share?
Beating drum beats out of beat,
Causing crashing, crying, collapsing,
Innocent in the bunk below,
I am her protector with the remote control,
Chucking up drunk in the darkness,
Fingertips scratching in my ears,
If only they could understand,
Their sounds are more than just a whisper,
Implanting Arthur’s sword into old wounds,
Alone I cry, alone I cry.
Stillness of morning is eerily calming,
Black scars laid down flat,
Arms wrapped around my glasses,
As another knot on my belt is added.
It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog post. There’s a reason for that. I guess it’s partly a lack of motivation but right now I’m putting more effort into writing my book, making things and writing nice things for my Instagram posts (sarahnityxo if you are interested). I have discovered my love for writing poetry. I like how disordered it can be. It doesn’t need to rhyme and it doesn’t need to make perfect sense. I like how I can put my feelings into a few lines and somehow it just works. I also like taking photos for it and editing them.
I’ve come to some realisations recently and I want to share them.
- I’m not that much of a great writer. I enjoy it but I have a lot to learn and so I am.
- Struggle is there for a reason. To help us grow.
- Meditation can be done (almost) anywhere, like on a train.
- There is a little path down to the lake that I have wanted to go towards for years and it is wonderful down there.
- I have to nuture my spiritual side in order for me to feel fulfilled in life.
- London still continues to delight and excite me. Camden Town is amazing.
- Making new friends and connecting with people you just click with is more important than focusing on those you don’t.
- Positive feelings can be almost as overwhelming as negative ones.
- I won’t be able to exercise unless I actually do! It’s literally one of the biggest challenges to get myself to do any!
- Working is more enjoyable when I focus on other parts of it such as connecting with people.
I am constantly changing,
Growing, evolving and opening up,
Towards more abundance, gratitude and love,
Making peace with my inner critic,
And believing my true self,
For she is the one that holds the power,
And she is the one that carries me safely,
To a place without greed, judgement or chaos,
She is my passion, my essence and my truth,
I now know what I must do,
To connect with her for eternity,
I must love her.
It took me a while for me to understand the law of attraction because really I needed to feel it to believe it. Basically, it’s a way to manifest your desires and what you truly want out of life.
It’s about taking limiting negative beliefs away, thinking about what you do want and taking the necessary steps to get there.
Thoughts become feelings and feelings become things. You won’t get what you want if:
You don’t love yourself
You make up excuses
You constantly put yourself down
You don’t live in abundance
You think you are lacking
I wanted more out of life. I was pretty unhappy. Not long after, I had watched some videos on the law of attraction and manifesting dreams because I wanted to do that. Manifest my dreams. Amazing things started to happen. My heart felt full and my mind experienced clarity for the first time in my entire life. That feeling hasn’t stopped. My life begun to have purpose because I was giving it purpose.
I am opening up to my spiritual side. The side had locked away. I am allowing myself to feel everything. I am allowing myself to feel happy.
A while ago I said that I was writing a book. I was lost at first but I have now found my way. I hope to have it done by this summer so watch this space. As always, thank you all for being here. I am so grateful to you all.
It’s been a while, I know.
I’ve been going through some kind of transformation. You see, when you get into a dark place one of two things happen. You either continue to spiral downwards until you see no reason to live or you search for a small flicker and slowly climb towards it until it fills up your being.
I chose the latter.
Winter is a bad time for me. I get pretty low. As we draw further away from it, so does my mind. It’s metaphorical for me. It helps lift the strain that chains down my body in the cold and dark corner of my cage. I saw that light. It was a firefly and it asked me to follow it.
I gave in to my emotions. I gave in what I truly wanted, after searching for so long. Out of pain and struggle comes amazing growth. After giving into the divine, my inner voice spoke. It told me to write. To write everything that I had been holding on to. That I can write the book that I have wanted to for months. Lines of clarity and pureness spilled out from my heart, through my veins, unleashed out of my nerve endings at my fingertips and appeared delicately in front of me. Words blanketed empty spaces and I began to feel whole. A fulfilment that has called out for me like a baby crying for it’s mother.
My writing is well under way now.
Thanks for those who have stuck by me during this time. I appreciate and love you all so much. My ultimate dream is to feel abundance and fulfilment. I want that for you to in whatever way you desire. Nameste. x