For as long as I remember I have allowed fear to control my life. A few years ago I wouldn’t even leave the safety of the house unless I had to. I wouldn’t interact with people unless I had to or unless I trusted them. I couldn’t walk down the street without having to turn back after 200 yards, feeling like the air was pinching my skin and the ground was going to pull me over. Going to public places alone was too intense and exhausting. I would cry and cry and wonder why my life was so hard. I was paralysed by my own self worth. I hated being me. I had hidden my internal thoughts and feelings for so long that they had manifested into mental and physical pain. I became ill and abused myself, and for what? For not wanting to be me. But who else could I be? I didn’t want people to see who I really was. I didn’t honour my sensitivity or my feelings and needs. My intuition was bruised and I had weaved negativity deep into my veins. Somewhere along the way, I had enough and I began untangling the mess inside my head. I reached out to others and I started nurturing myself in anyway that I needed. I practiced gratitude and self care. I took up yoga and meditation. I started to eat better. I started writing poetry on my Instagram and I started a blog and I begun voicing my feelings out to the world. Then others began to hear what I had to say and by doing that I was honouring who I truly was. I discovered an amazing internal world that I was proud of and I wanted to share it. I unstrapped my inner child and embraced her. I set myself free.
Taken from my Instagram. Follow me: @sarahnityxo
It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog post. There’s a reason for that. I guess it’s partly a lack of motivation but right now I’m putting more effort into writing my book, making things and writing nice things for my Instagram posts (sarahnityxo if you are interested). I have discovered my love for writing poetry. I like how disordered it can be. It doesn’t need to rhyme and it doesn’t need to make perfect sense. I like how I can put my feelings into a few lines and somehow it just works. I also like taking photos for it and editing them.
I’ve come to some realisations recently and I want to share them.
- I’m not that much of a great writer. I enjoy it but I have a lot to learn and so I am.
- Struggle is there for a reason. To help us grow.
- Meditation can be done (almost) anywhere, like on a train.
- There is a little path down to the lake that I have wanted to go towards for years and it is wonderful down there.
- I have to nuture my spiritual side in order for me to feel fulfilled in life.
- London still continues to delight and excite me. Camden Town is amazing.
- Making new friends and connecting with people you just click with is more important than focusing on those you don’t.
- Positive feelings can be almost as overwhelming as negative ones.
- I won’t be able to exercise unless I actually do! It’s literally one of the biggest challenges to get myself to do any!
- Working is more enjoyable when I focus on other parts of it such as connecting with people.
It took me a while for me to understand the law of attraction because really I needed to feel it to believe it. Basically, it’s a way to manifest your desires and what you truly want out of life.
It’s about taking limiting negative beliefs away, thinking about what you do want and taking the necessary steps to get there.
Thoughts become feelings and feelings become things. You won’t get what you want if:
You don’t love yourself
You make up excuses
You constantly put yourself down
You don’t live in abundance
You think you are lacking
I wanted more out of life. I was pretty unhappy. Not long after, I had watched some videos on the law of attraction and manifesting dreams because I wanted to do that. Manifest my dreams. Amazing things started to happen. My heart felt full and my mind experienced clarity for the first time in my entire life. That feeling hasn’t stopped. My life begun to have purpose because I was giving it purpose.
I am opening up to my spiritual side. The side had locked away. I am allowing myself to feel everything. I am allowing myself to feel happy.
A while ago I said that I was writing a book. I was lost at first but I have now found my way. I hope to have it done by this summer so watch this space. As always, thank you all for being here. I am so grateful to you all.
It’s been a while, I know.
I’ve been going through some kind of transformation. You see, when you get into a dark place one of two things happen. You either continue to spiral downwards until you see no reason to live or you search for a small flicker and slowly climb towards it until it fills up your being.
I chose the latter.
Winter is a bad time for me. I get pretty low. As we draw further away from it, so does my mind. It’s metaphorical for me. It helps lift the strain that chains down my body in the cold and dark corner of my cage. I saw that light. It was a firefly and it asked me to follow it.
I gave in to my emotions. I gave in what I truly wanted, after searching for so long. Out of pain and struggle comes amazing growth. After giving into the divine, my inner voice spoke. It told me to write. To write everything that I had been holding on to. That I can write the book that I have wanted to for months. Lines of clarity and pureness spilled out from my heart, through my veins, unleashed out of my nerve endings at my fingertips and appeared delicately in front of me. Words blanketed empty spaces and I began to feel whole. A fulfilment that has called out for me like a baby crying for it’s mother.
My writing is well under way now.
Thanks for those who have stuck by me during this time. I appreciate and love you all so much. My ultimate dream is to feel abundance and fulfilment. I want that for you to in whatever way you desire. Nameste. x
Everyone’s experience of life is different but we all have things we hold onto. Here’s a few tips I have gathered and learned through my years from within and from others. Yeah I learned a lot in therapy. Yeah I like sharing stuff and helping others and as I have gotten a lot from other people, online and offline, I want to give something back. Anxiety and depression got really bad for me because I was too busy focusing on the past and how that will affect my future but I have been on a journey to release me of these struggles and accept who I am now.
No numbers today, I’m just going to jump right into the good stuff in order to help set yourself free!
Make a timeline
Like the ones you used to do in school. Draw a line down a blank piece of paper or open up paint on your laptop. Whatever format is up to you and you can make it fun and be creative. It doesn’t have to all be serious. Write the year you were born at one end and today at the other end. Write down all of the good things that happened to you in the top half and all the bad things at the bottom. OK you might not fit them all on there but just set yourself an allotted amount of time or just write until you’ve filled the page. As you write you will remember more and more things. There’s no point in me giving you examples as it is your life. Really think whether something had a good or a bad impact on your life. Some things might go onto the centre line.
Next, have a look at your completed timeline. Remember all the things that you have written and think about them for a while. Then have a look at how many bad things there are compared to how many good things there are. You might be surprised. Focus on your accomplishments. All the great things that you have experienced.
Speak to a councellor
This one’s obvious. If you can go to a therapist I’d recommend it a thousand times. It can be a really uplifting experience. If you decide to go, take your timeline with you! They often make links that you cannot see for yourself and help to boost your esteem.
Experience gratitude and abundance
Be thankful for what you have now. One way you can experience gratitude is by living a minimalistic life. Go backpacking in developing countries. Keep a gratitude journal. Go a week without a phone or a laptop. Volunteer to look after those in need. There are so many ways you can experience gratitude and even the simplest things are beneficial and will make you a better person. Realise what you have now would not have happened if it wasn’t for what happened in the past.
Stop being a victim
I can’t stress this one enough. If you keep blaming others for what happened, you will never be able to accept it and move on. It was out of your control. It’s happened and if you keep thinking, ‘it’s because my Mum hit me as a kid,’ or whatever it is, then you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself for the past and start living in the now. It’s not happening right now, it’s over. Stop playing the victim card.
Realise that thoughts are beliefs
Beliefs only happen because of recurring thoughts. Thoughts are not real. They do not control you – you control them. Learn to be mindful and watch your thoughts. There’s so much about mindfulness on the internet and in books that I’m not going to write anything about it here.
Self care and self love
Give yourself time to do the things you enjoy. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be like someone else. Be you, love you and look after yourself first. You can’t look after anyone else if you’re not taken care of yourself.
Today is a new day. Fill it with love and give yourself what you need to shine!
Everyone needs to recharge in some way but everyone has a different cut off point, in regards to stimulation, that they can take before they break down. Highly sensitive people have a much lower level than most people, introverts also have a lower level but this does apply to everyone in some way. Too much stimulation can mean different things to different people. To me it means being around people, conflict and negative or strong emotions of others, loud noises, bright lights and generally a lot of things going on at once. There is so much stimulation at work that I like to spend the weekends recharging. I work 12 hour shifts so it is really important that I give myself some time away to do what I enjoy in order to allow myself to feel happiness.
If I don’t recharge, stress and anxiety builds, negative thoughts build and I become depressed or experience strong unwanted emotions. I know in order to balance my emotions I need to take care of myself and put myself first otherwise my life is a constant struggle and it affects other people as well as myself.
It’s important for me to set boundaries and this is something I am still working on. Here’s is a list of some of the things that I avoid:
- Going somewhere other than home after work – social events are a definite no after a really long day
- Arranging a holiday where I constantly have to be around people all day and night
- Spending time around toxic/negative people as much as possible
- Violent movies
- Spending the whole weekend out
- Planning to go out when I know I won’t have had enough time to recharge
- Crowds – in large doses
Here’s some things I do to recharge and you could do them too:
- Spending time with family who I find easy to be around
- Spending time with my partner and with my dog
- Keeping the house tidy – I tidy on the first day I have off work which makes me have a better weekend
- Having candlelit baths with essential oils, incense and a book
- Taking photographs/video/writing/some other creative pursuit
- Walks in nature
- Yoga – in particular taking a class
- Reading in bed at the end of the day
- Watering my plants
- Watching something really good on Netflix – current favourite is Gilmore Girls
- Being idle
- Watching videos on Youtube
- Reading blogs
- Creating videos and blog posts
- Playing music – whatever I feel like
What do you like to do to recharge?
This photo probably doesn’t mean anything to you. In fact you probably find it not to great to look at. However, to me, this is a moment of pure bliss. I was sat out in my car, at the side of the road, facing a field of flowers. I was really happy. I love these moments.
Why was I happy? I was accepting that moment at that time. I wasn’t judging who I was or what I have or have not done. I was enjoying the sun setting on an early Autumn’s afternoon. I was in no rush and had no agenda. I was just being.
Nature has this special way of making everything OK for me. It takes me away from everything and brings me to the now.
I opened the window and stuck my head out of it, put my feet up on the other seat and looked at the sky. It was such an amazing moment that I felt the need to take this photo.
Taking a photo doesn’t ruin a moment. Sometimes you just don’t want to forget a wonderful experience. When I look at this photo I feel the same feelings inside that I did that day. I can see that it is achievable. I can remember telling myself that life is beautiful.
To feel like this, I had to accept the bad along with the good. I had to experience the bad in order to feel the peace in this moment and I had to be okay with that.
I’ve always felt like I’ve never wanted to live the life that everyone else seems to live and why should I? I’m me and they are them. Growing up, everyone seemed to have the same lives. They all lived with brothers and sisters, in three bedrooms houses, with two parents and a rabbit. They would go to school, eat chocolate spread sandwiches for lunch, play in the streets after school and go home and repeat. They would grow up, make lots of friends, go out with lots of people, spend Friday evenings drinking in the park. Then they would go to college, get a job, soon get married and have children. Then someone would press repeat and life would just continue the same for their children.
I’ve never wanted that life. I’ve never felt like I fitted in to that life. The simple life that these people chose to live was not what I dreamed of. I’ve always wanted more. I’ve always wanted meaning and purpose and not to live in a cycle that never progresses.
The cycle will end with me. I might never have children because I don’t want that life. It’s not a selfish decision to not want them. To have no desire to bring life into this world is as normal a feeling as feeling sad or happy to me.
I don’t know what any of this means but I only question it to find a purpose. My purpose. I’ve made a lot of changes to my life this year and it’s all for the better. All to better myself, those around me, the Earth and the animals that we share it with.
Do what you want. Be free.
For anyone that may be interested I have been wanting to write this post for about three weeks but I didn’t know how to without putting anger into it. I was listening to these two songs today which gave me inspiration:
Hanging On by Active Child
Weightless by Marconi Union
I’m a perfectionist and I didn’t know it for 25 years. It’s only since having this blog that I have figure it out.
If things aren’t perfect and don’t seem like they ever will be, I start comparing myself to others. This is the first thing I noticed. Since starting a blog I have compared my blog to others. My banner isn’t as good as theirs. My photos are not as good as theirs. I don’t have as many comments as them. The only thing I have been thankful for is that everyone’s view counts are hidden so I can’t compare that. Of course they are going to have more views than me because they are so much more likeable. However, in actual fact they have probably had their blog a lot longer than 4 months and they probably have had a lot more promotion from themselves and from others. Then I start thinking about how their content is better than mine and that I should put a lot more effort in. Although I do have lots of other commitments that take up a lot of my time. But then I’m making excuses and so on and so on. My thoughts fight like that in my head constantly and it’s annoying.
One example of this is my username. It took me a while to come up with ‘Sarahnity’ as the name for my blog. It’s a play on the word serenity, so you say it ‘serenity.’ I like it a lot. Picking a username was always a challenge for me because nothing was good enough. Nothing sounded like me, whilst incorporating words I like. Over the past 10 years I have had countless Youtube accounts because I no longer liked my username and I wanted to start over because that last account isn’t as good as a clean fresh one. After buying my domain name and starting my blog I made a Twitter account and eventually an Instagram account. Oh no! ‘Sarahnity is always taken.’ I was not changing my blog after all the work I put into it and I had paid for my domain. I was annoyed at myself for not checking this sooner. So I ended up using my username as ‘Sarahnityxo.’ It was as good as it was going to get. Now I’m wanted to start a Tumblr account and both ‘Sarahnity’ and ‘Sarahnityxo’ are available. Do I keep them all the same or use my original? Ah!
Another thing I have figured out from having a blog is that I like perfect grammar, perfect spelling and a perfect layout. I’ll go back and read a blog post from weeks ago and noticed that my grammar isn’t right and edit it. I guess this isn’t a bad thing but I will never accept that it is OK and leave it. It’s more of a bad thing when I see that my picture needs another space between it and the text to match the other ones. When it’s perfect I am happy and can relax.
A similar thing happens at home. When the house needs cleaning I often think well it will never be clean enough because of the damp and mould issues that we have so what’s the point? Although, when I do clean the house look a lot better even if it’s not perfect.
If things aren’t perfect I start to lose motivation. I stop doing that thing. I give up on my dreams as unreachable things that I am not good enough to do. I put myself down and don’t try as hard because I don’t think I can do it.
Now I have realised this I can do something about it. This is me accepting my usernames as they are. This is me telling myself that I can do anything that I want to do. That I can achieve anything that I want to achieve. I am scared of wasting my life and not doing what I want because I don’t think that I can. When I start to lost motivation I am going to take that and use it to prove to myself that I can do it.
P.S. I decided to keep all my usernames the same except for my blog.
Do you relate to these?
- Clumsiness – “Ouch that hurts,” after banging into something for the third time that morning and, “Grrrr,” after dropping something for the tenth time that day. Always in my own head and not aware of my surroundings.
- Messiness at home – *Places plates and wrappers on table. Gets up to make a drink. Leaves items on table.* Always leaving mess around the house, almost oblivious to it and no intention of cleaning it up until I have to. Plus I never make the bed.
- Cleanliness at work – Always super organised at work. Always wondering why I cannot seem to be like this at home.
- Laziness – Never lazy at work. Often lazy at home. I mainly want to spend my time chilling out with the occasionally bursts of energy experienced by playing fetch with my dog.
- Motivation – I need to feel passionate about something to do something about it. Yoga, veganism, Myers Briggs, blogging – yes! Washing the dishes, hanging up the washing, hoovering, tidying – no! Procrastination is something I experience daily.
- Hermit syndrome – spending days off at home shutting out the world and then feeling depressed because soon I will have to get back to reality.
- Getting upset easily- OK, not a daily struggle but it can be when things get overwhelming and just ‘too much.’
- Thinking of something to say far too late and there being no point in saying it. Consequently, feeling unintelligent for not being a quick thinker.
- Anxiety – Feeling like the world is such a scary place but at the same time feeling like it is the most amazing beautiful thing.
- Emotional sponge – Absorbing everyone’s emotions around me. Negative people are so draining 😦
- Opinionated but I can never express how I feel clearly so generally do not bother but wish I could back myself up properly without saying ‘er’, ‘thingy’ and ‘you know what I mean.’
- Easily hurt – Pretending not to be hurt by something even though I am and will continue hurting for a long time. My mind will remember something that happened years ago, that I want to forget, and I will be taken right back.
Do you have any to share?