journal · Lifestyle

Suicide: A Symptom Of Depression? & My Experience // Journal Entry #4

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I’m here as writing is a way to process my thoughts and put them into something that makes sense. It gets them out of my head and it almost solidifies them so they are just floating around waiting to be really listened to. This is how I listen.

I’ve been thinking a lot since the second suicide from a great musician who I have admired. Chris Cornell’s death was both shocking and heartbreaking and here we are going through the same thing with Chester Bennington. I spend a lot of my years listening to Soundgarden and Linkin Park, so when both events struck I eventually ended up playing my favourites of them. Most of the time I enjoy songs with meaningful lyrics and I always pay attention to what they are saying but after something like this happens, I listen extra hard. The music sounds even better than I remember when I truly appreciate it. I think I will try my hardest to listen closer when I listen to any song.

As humans, we have this deep need to understand what is going on in someone’s mind when they decide to end their life. Some of us have experienced depression and have an idea of what those thoughts and feelings might be like but many of us can’t imagine it and it becomes something that we either bash saying that they were selfish or something else that just insults everyone who has been through mental illness. Nonetheless, no one knows what anyone’s thoughts and feelings are when they commit suicide. The voice in their head that told them to do it was not yours.

When I hear people around me talking about the cause of their deaths as depression, I close up. I put up a wall and try to ignore what they are saying. I do not want to discuss something so personal and deep with people who I have never been close to. I do not even want to discuss it with people I am relatively close to. The only person I am comfortable enough to discuss it with is my partner, and then I still find it incredibly hard. To most people, I shut off this part of myself. Online, somehow, is different.

In my head right now, depression seems like a distant memory. In reality, it happened to me pretty recently and on several occasions. The most recent one was probably the longest period that just seemed to never go away. I did a lot of considering before I could even think that I was depressed. For me, depression was the start of a spiritual awakening. I’m not enlightened, but I am awake, for those know what I mean. I went through some really hard times where I would spend the day crying, in bed. Every morning I would wake up and check to see if I was still depressed. I had some horrible thoughts about life. I did not think that it was worth living because of all the suffering that we have to endure. Most of the time, I wished that I did not exist. Despite all of these reoccurring negative thoughts, I never once thought that I would kill myself. I sometimes imagined it but it was always so horrific that I could separate myself from those thoughts and not act on them quite easily.

When I came out of my depression, it was as if the depression was my wake up call. It happened a lot quicker than I thought and I began to recognise how the depression was magnifying my negative thoughts and attracting more just like them. At the time, they felt very true. My mindset began to shift, as I wrote in Journal Entry #2. I grew so much after that experience and I do not wish that it did not happen. Once my mindset began to become more positive, I attracted more positivity into my life. I began to wake up every morning and see great possibilities and life excited me. Life excites me.

Some people just do not get it. What is to gain from suicide? It is the ultimate end to a temporary problem. Depression makes you think that it will last forever and it tricks you into thinking life is just going to get worse. What I am trying to say is that depression is an illness and suicide is a symptom of that illness. If you have never experienced that illness how can you possibly judge so harshly?

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spirituality

Path Of The Highly Sensitive Person


Everyone has some kind of sensitivity, even if it’s the tiniest thing. However, when you’ve grown up with so many sensitivities and you are constantly feeling overwhelmed with everyday life, you might think something is wrong with you. The paths of the sensitive folks, who have struggled with their sensitivities, from what I’ve read and heard, have many similarities. The struggle of being different and feeling deeply gets too much, chronic illness prevails and you try to fix it. At some point you discover that you are a highly sensitive person and you feel relieved and get that ‘ohh, that explains so much’ moment. You see it as a curse until you find another like you who is saying that it doesn’t have to be. You discover a new mindset, a new way of nuturing yourself and loving yourself that allows you to bloom. You become elated, happy and free and your sensitivities become a spectacular gift. You are so lucky to experience your sensitivities. Every moment you are experiencing these amazing gifts. Let me know if you are on a similar path. 

It’s only through connecting with other HSPs, mainly through the Internet, that we can continue helping each other along our paths.

journal

Thoughts And Feelings On Mum’s 50th Birthday // Journal Entry #3

Today was my Mum’s 50th birthday and I did something really nice for her. I bought her a tablet and a couple of other things. I’d never usually spend more than £10 on a gift for her and I’ve never thought why. This gift wasn’t just more expensive than normal but it was more thoughtful. It’s given her the chance to use the Internet on something larger than her mobile and it will also help with her artwork. She paints portraits and usually has a picture of someone on her mobile screen! I don’t know how she has coped with it for so long. Now she has a larger screen to see pictures better. I bought it this morning and then gave it to her this afternoon, before her party. She loved it and was very impressed. She said thank you many times! That was a success. It feels really good to make others feel happy. 

At the party, I got to see some of my family, which is always really nice. I live a little away from them so I often just see them at these events. I spoke a lot with my Godmother (although I wouldn’t identify myself as Christian) and her new fiancée which was lovely. The conversation was flowing really well and I often worry about this in social events, being introverted and a little socially anxious. However, my partner always helps as he is extraverted and not at all socially anxious! We actually had many interesting conversations. Who knew you could learn a lot from other people and not just from the Internet?! Yeah, I’m late to the party.

At one point my Mum invited me to visit a couple of tables, which was really nice of her because I find it hard to approach them, although I often wish to! I met a cousin who I have had no contact with in the past and she was lovely. An uncle was quite distant with our family when I was growing up but recently had reconnected with us. I didn’t get chance to speak to everyone that I wanted to but I’m sure there will be other opportunities in the future.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found it easier to talk to family members that I wouldn’t have done when I was younger. I feel more respected and have a lot more to say to them as an adult. I was very shy and insecure as a child so that was probably one of the reasons. I truly feel that we should address children the way we address adults. They aren’t invisible and they take in everything!

My new outlook on life still remains and social events are becoming easier and more and more successful! Right now, I’m drained from it but at the time, and on the return journey, I felt really good. I often don’t want to go to them, but once I get there and I am immersed in what people are saying and what I am saying, nothing else matters to me in that moment. It’s just another way to be present. I get so caught up with my own thoughts and with conversations going on in my head that being social is actually helping me to feel better. If that makes any sense at all! 

At the end of the party, I offered to take Mum’s presents back to the house as they didn’t come in a car. I’m just really enjoying doing nice things for people, whilst putting myself first of course.

I just wanted to record this day right now. I’m in the bath with my phone so this was the only way I wanted to do it – journals and bath water don’t mix. 

Challenges · Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture · Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture Challenge

Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture Challenge // June 2017

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Alas my pretty Instax Mini 8 camera, my all important fidget spinner and my photo of the month.

For our five year anniversary, I got my partner a model camaro and he bought me an Instax camera. He gave me it a few days early so I could practice taking photos on it before we went on holiday to Jersey. I must say it was a little more difficult than I thought it would be and many of my first pictures were overexposed and came out white. After reading the instructions (I rarely do this) I figured out how to take half decent pictures and I was away! The camera is just buckets of fun and creativity and the camera itself is so cute (yeah, I can say that about my camera if I want to). I highly recommend getting one if you are into photography.

In June, I decided that in order to improve my photos taken with the camera and in order to not overuse or underuse it, I will go out with the camera every month, take a few photos and select one to be the photo to represent that month. I will then share that photo on my blog.

Before I show you the photo of the month, even though you can kind of see it in the photo above, I want to show you my cute case that Carl also bought me.

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The thing that makes these cases great, is not just how cute and attractive they are, is not just the way they feel, but it’s the practicality of them. The top clips on with poppers and you can either take it off completely or just flip it over so you don’t actually have to remove the camera from the case to take a photo.

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Carl bought me this one because he knows I am a sucker for cute designs! There are so many different cases you can buy online but most of them are leather so I recommend this one. If you are looking for a non leather one then hopefully this will save you time. There are three different colours.

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This is it flipped over and ready to take a shot.

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This is it. My June 2017 photo of the month. You may be looking hard at it and wondering what it is! Well, that is because I am not yet an expert at taking photos with the camera and also because it was flipping hard to take a photo of a photo on a bright day with a glossy finish. Ha! The photo was taken on our last evening in Jersey. We took a stroll out to the beach front. What is amazing is that the tide comes right up to the sea wall and you can see the waves crashing over the wall. The first time it happened to us we ran away and we were amazed! So much so that we wanted to take some photos of it happening. It was fun to watch it and it was also fun to watch other people casually walking and then quickly jumping out of the way. Being the last evening, I wanted to use this photo to commemorate our trip. The photo takes me back to that evening and shows me that the trip was so much fun.

I’m planning on getting some accessories for it so watch this space! I’ll be sharing them on here in the next few months. Carl did get me a really cute case that said that it was made out of synthetic leather and on looking again so I could share the link with you, it says PU leather lower down in the description so it is being sent back. Just a little misleading but there’s no way I’d be sporting a leather case! However, most of them are, much to my annoyance.

Do you have an Instax Mini camera? Or a polaroid camera? Would you consider doing a challenge like this?

Look after for my July photo at the beginning of next month.

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