journal

Acceptance + Ascension // Journal Entry #2

I’m sat on my sofa with the curtains drawn on a Friday morning and I’ve just started my three day weekend. I have Netflix on the TV as I didn’t want to turn it off whilst writing and it’s distracting but I don’t really care. I just knocked my glass off the stool for the second time this week. It was funnier the first time but I still don’t mind. These past few days have been different. I’ve felt this air around me for the first time in a while and I’m really fucking happy.

It’s 10.51 am and I haven’t showered and I’m no where near ready to leave my house. I just opened the door for my dog and breathed in the most satisfying air. I was met with a grey sky against a dark green field and it was beautiful. I always thought that I wanted the sky to be blue and the sun to be out always because I felt happier and more energetic that way. It’s as if, in my mind, I had decided that I couldn’t be happy unless the weather was ‘perfect,’ but what the fuck is perfect. I never realised that it was my mind that has been feeding me this depressed fucked up shit this entire time. I’ve only just understood why people swear. Sometimes there are no other words that convey strong feelings. As I was saying, I have been trapped in a depressed mindset for far too long.

I went on holiday hoping that it would make every thing okay again. A couple of days later, I found myself miserable crying to my partner, on a bench in Jersey, about how it’s not okay that I still feel this way. I don’t even know where this came from but I now believe it was from years of stress, or what I like to call my entire life. Okay that’s not completely true, but it’s effective and reveals the contrast between then and now. After a long period of stress, depression often results. I was waking up every day and checking to see if I was still depressed. Now I wake up every day wondering what good the day has in store for me. The difference is indescribable. If you are depressed, give it a try. It’s a little tip from a course I’ve been doing.

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Right, back to the holiday. A day later I spent some time on Plemont Beach reading the letting go chapter from the book, ‘The Untethered Soul.’ It’s a wonderful book. After the time I spent in nature with Carl, the walking we did, reading that chapter and being in the present, things started looking up. Exercise is something I want to keep up, but for now I have decided to take up yoga at home, and not just at my weekly class and I am already seeing benefits. I spend a lot of time in nature anyway but I’d love to spend more time with Carl so I’m making the most of the time we do have together. The biggest challenge for me on holiday, was also the thing that kicked me up the butt towards a different mindset. I used the law of attraction for the first time and it revealed something amazing to me. After the challenge was presented and I saw what it meant, I wrote a few pages on this for my book so I’m not going to ruin that by posting it here. I will say that I am amazed that it actually works. I had some doubts but I decided to fully act on it and the outcome was life changing. Really embracing the way I feel is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

After a truly beautiful holiday, I had to return home. My emotions were being tipped over the edge by raging hormones but I probably would have still felt the same. Being a highly sensitive person, I find transition more of a challenge than others. I sat on the sofa all day, crying that my life was not a holiday. Wow does that sound like I’m selfish and ungrateful but I’m writing you my true feelings. I have nothing to hide. I had the holiday blues, post holiday depression or whatever you want to call it. A couple of days later I went to yoga and left feeling a lot more free. You see, freedom is what I craved. I wanted to be free to experience more amazing things and I thought that I had to be travelling to do this. All I really needed to free was my fear. If you are comfortable with the outcome, fear cannot touch you. We are tiny beings on a small planet spinning around a ball of explosions, in a vast universe and we are afraid of being afraid.

I came home expecting things to be different right away but they weren’t. A small part of me feared going home to that same life. I felt as though I was just going back to where I was. However, I realised that I am never going backwards. Growth is my reason for living, my purpose. Surely, growth is the reason we all live. What else can we do but live and grow?

One of my thoughts that my depressed mind created to torment me was that life was not worth living because of suffering. I Googled the hell out of it but everything I saw confirmed it. I was suffering so there was no point. There was just so much crap whizzing through my head that I truly believed. Now I’m out from that place, I can see clearly that my negativity was creating more negativity. Depression actually lets you believe things that are not true. It swallows everything that is good and punches you internally until you are ready to grow from it. It was trying to tell me something. My life was how I perceived it and it didn’t need to be this way. It could be different if I just accepted it. I stopped believing that I didn’t want to exist anymore and I am now living because what else am I meant to do with this life? Life is for living.

I am still here on my sofa reflecting over the past few days. I have really enjoyed the conversations I’ve had. Opening up to people isn’t easy when you are closed off but once I opened up my heart to everything I stop feeling that discomfort. I am still a little fearful because I know I won’t always feel this good in every moment but I’ve learned to accept that fear and to accept that discomfort, as it can only do me good. From here, I can only ascend.

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Lifestyle

What I’ve Been Up To

I felt compelled to write so here’s some things that I’ve been up to recently.

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Jersey

I had the most wonderful week away in Jersey, which is a Channel Island. My Dad recommended it to us and we weren’t really sure what to expect. It turns out that this little island is an absolute gem. There is so much to do and it was absolutely beautiful! The beaches are pristine, the ocean is a wonderful colour and everywhere was so pretty. I can’t wait to go back and do the things we didn’t get chance to do. My favourite things were the beaches and the botanical gardens.

Yoga

I have not been able to get enough of yoga recently. Sun salutations have become so pleasurable! When I got back from holiday I attended two yoga classes that week because I had another week off work. The three classes I’ve been to recently have been outside in a garden and, if you don’t already know from my Instagram account, I absolutely adore nature. I mean, how can you not? I feel so connected to the earth when doing yoga outside. We have been doing some heat building postures, which I have loved. They make me feel great! I also had to buy a new yoga mat for home and since it has come I have been doing more yoga at home. The more I do, the better I feel so that in itself is really encouraging. I am going again tomorrow morning!

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Belton House & Grounds

If you live in or near Lincolnshire and haven’t been here I recommend that you do. I’d say the only downside is the cost, but if you’re a National Trust member I think you can go for free. I really need to get a membership! I haven’t been in the house in years but the grounds are extensive. There’s neatly pruned gardens and some more wild areas (guess which area I prefer). There’s also a boating lake, which is home to many geese! It’s a really nice place to spend a Sunday afternoon, although in the summer it can get a little too busy. I find myself enjoying it more when there are less people about.

Projects

I do like to have a couple of projects on the go. I’ve started doing a social media management course that I’m finding really interesting. I’m also, slowly, writing a book. My book is about how I’ve come to the place I am at now and there’s some things that have been happening recently that I’ve wanted to put in it so it’s still a continuous thing. I am really enjoying writing it but I am struggling a little with consistency but I am pretty lucky to have my sister, a literature student, editing it for me. It’s a big help and I don’t think I could do it so well without her. The final project, which you will see in a few days, is one I’ve just started this month. My partner got me an Instax (polaroid) camera. We had fun taking photos on holiday with it. I have decided to take one decent photo a month on it, to represent that month for me. So this month is obviously going to be a holiday snap. I’m also hoping it will get me out more. I have always liked photography but with me taking lots of photos for my Instagram account, my love for the hobby has increased!

Thanks for reading,

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journal · Lifestyle

Living In This Crazy, Crazy World // My Journal #1

I have been having a lot of random thoughts and I find it hard to bring them all together but here I am trying.

Society is the collective of those are living and those who lived before us, setting out guidelines and setting out standards of how we should live or however you see it. It can be a gift, a disaster or, for most of us, somewhere in between.

When I logged onto my computer this morning, I saw hate and negativity everywhere. I couldn’t even twist a tiny bit of it into something positive. It made me think a lot about how society works and how we are so influenced. How where we live, where we are from, our gender, sex, income, beliefs and opinions separate us all, but our building blocks, humanity and how we are all part of this crazy, crazy world make us all the same

Opinions are what drives our differences. An opinion that associates a particular group of people with negativity, only drives more negativity. It also drives more opposition. Hate literally breeds hate – it’s positive feedback in anthropogenic form. I can see how it happens, clearly, and that’s what worries me the most. How do I even come to terms with reality when it literally is creating a storm? I am having a hard time accepting it.

I searched for hope, for others with the opinions of mine and felt saved when I found many. It’s so understandable why people turn to hate. Fear is at the base of it all. Ultimately all of these negative bases drive more negativity, more division and more hatred. I am blessed to be living this life that I have. Although, I am exposed to the Internet, where I see a lot of negativity, I can make this connection and I can see that I live a life full of privilege. I can chose to be positive as it is a choice. I can switch off my computer, go outside and feel the air on my face, the sun through my eyes and the sounds of the birds. I can do what makes me feel alive. I can inspire others to see the light and to not feed the hate. That’s all and it’s not enough, but maybe it is for today.

I’ve never felt like a part of society and wanted to run away from it, but I have realised that we are all part of it. Every single person on this planet plays their part in it. So I can’t blame it for anything. However, I’d like to remain on the edge of it, with my far ‘leftist’ views. I hate that word. What’s worse is that I deeply believe that everyone has the right to their own opinion, even if I despise it. It physically taunts me to hear the opinions of other people who think the complete opposite to me, even though I understand that everyone is different and it wouldn’t work if we were all the same and so on. Blah blah blah. Seeing both sides makes it harder.

To save my self from a mental breakdown, I am going to completely switch off from other people’s opinions today, do some yoga, breathe in some fresh air and be present in myself. I’m so sensitive that I need some time to process as writing can only do so much for me right now.

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S/N: Have you ever experienced this? When something awful happens and you are just sat by yourself and everything is so peaceful because it’s over and it’s just you and nothing can change that.

Lifestyle

Writing Comes Easier Than Talking // So I Write

This blog represents me – scattered, authentic, passionate, compassionate, and spontaneous. I have many passions, many feelings and many thoughts that I want to share, which is why this blog is the way it is. It isn’t professional or direct. It’s raw, honest and vulnerable.

As someone who has a desire to write, this blog and my Instagram account fulfills that desire.  I’m not sure if it is the same for all writers.  I find myself jumbling over speech. I have thoughts that are clear but when I try to speak them I struggle. I’m not incapable, I just feel that there is a translation error from thought to voice. Words come out easily, but they don’t often convey what I’m trying to say. Writing feels more like my primary form of communication. There’s no need for me to spend time thinking, like I do when I am talking. I often find that many people respond quickly in a conversation and I feel that when I type it comes out in that same manner. Text is clearer and more to the point and conveys exactly what I mean. There’s no stumbling or long pauses and I don’t have to say, ‘I’m sorry I’m not very good at explaining things,’ or, ‘you know what I mean,’ or any related phrases.

With writing, you can reach more people, especially now with the Internet. The voiceless now have a powerful voice that can inspire, influence and guide others. 

If you feel the same, I encourage you to write. You have a gift to share with the world. 

…and that is why I write. 

Uncategorized

A Letter Of Love // 5 Year Anniversary

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You inspire me to be myself by letting me be me, giving me space to breathe and learn how to grow in the way I want to. I adore the way you are – your patience, kindness, ability to care for me in exactly the way I need, the way you make me laugh when I’m feeling down, your amazing insights and how you read people so well, that you are dedicated to your work, that you are open minded and don’t complain about people’s differences like so many people do, your stability, the way you are so intelligent about life and know how to fix anything and what to do but still let me decide for myself no matter how much I beg you to tell me what to do, your calm presence, your positivity and the way you let things go. For the lack of care you hold for of the opinions of others and how you do what you want rather than what others want of you, for your guidance, your intuition, your logical mind and the comfort I feel from you when I’ve had a bad day and just want to cry. You are my solace, my place of happiness and support.

I was attracted to who you were; who you are, and fell in love with you on a level far beyond anything I’ve ever felt. At the time our friendship would have been enough for me but when someone pointed out our chemistry, my feelings grew stronger. “It’s obvious he likes you, he follows you around like a puppy.” And I remember the moment that I looked across the lab and smiled at you and you grinned back and I felt it. Most importantly, I love the way you are always there for me. I’d always get home from work and speak to you online. “Carl you better be online…” and there you were. Always. I love you.

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